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Monday, December 27, 2010

Money is no object.

My stomach is in the way.  By this I mean that people have stepped aside on the sidewalk to give me wide berth as they flatten themselves against buildings.  Strangers ask me when I'm "going to pop."

And if I saw a $20 bill in the street, I'm not sure I would attempt to pick it up.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Lipstick ruined. And I would do it again.

Do not F--- with a pregnant woman.

Today I parked at the mall for a bit of Christmas shopping.  When I got back to my car, I discovered that some a--hole had parked their over-priced heap inches -- I mean INCHES away from my car door.  And when I say inches, I mean that I was unable to open my car door enough to even fit my hand.  Who does that?  I looked for scrapes along my car, because that's how close this other car was to mine.

I was going to have to go through the passenger side to try to get in and weasel my fat pregnant ass into the driver's seat.  Do you have any idea how hard this is?  Do you know the pain involved?  I looked around and even considered asking someone to crawl in and back the car out for me.

Oh, but I was so damned angry, so mad, so frustrated, so pregnant.  I found a scrap of paper and a pen and I decided that I would leave the owner of this car a note, telling them just want brand of jerk I though she or he was.

Just then my pen ran out of ink.

But brilliance struck.  I pulled a lipstick out of my bag and proceeded to write out, in the plum tones of MAC Viva Glam VI, exactly what I thought this person was.

And I wrote it right across the windshield.

Epilogue:  I've gotten so many questions asking what I wrote on the windshield:  
I wrote "A--hole."  But I think that the best part of all is that I had the presence of mind to write the word backwards, so that the person could read it across her/his windshield from the comfort of the drivers seat. 

Also, a big "thank you" to the devoted reader who sent me a replacement lipstick for my birthday !  A perfect, poetic end to this troublesome moment.

1st millennium B.C., Near Eastern fertility goddess