Please Hold While I Attempt to Erase This Image From My Brain

So, it turned out that I did not get pregnant this past cycle, despite the Clomid, DTD on the "right" days, etc. etc.

So I got a new supply of Clomid for this cycle. I looked at my calendar, and it turns out that I will ovulate during the same week that I had planned to visit my family. I called my father and told him that I had to put my trip on hold.

"Why?" He asked.

I considered being vague, but then I thought, oh, fuck it, who cares.

"Well, I'm taking this fertility medication that makes me ovulate on certain days and I have to stay home to have sex."

Silence.

"Hello? Dad? Are you still there?"

"Um...That's a lot of detail."

Day Three: Druids DTD

So there are all of these pregnancy blogs,where you can write-in your questions and then other women respond. Based on my own research, doctor visits, and just plain common sense, it appears that the majority of the women answering the questions have acquired their information from the following four sources:

1. Fairy tales
2. Ancient Druid folklore
3. The Christian Coalition
4. USmagazine.com

Just kidding about the last one. That's just where I read about all of the Hollywood Stars who give birth to beautiful, blonde-flecked twin babies at age 45. This, has naturally led me to assume that when I have twin babies, I'll skip out of the hospital with a baby-filled basket on each arm, wearing size 27 skinny jeans (which is a bit redundant; all jeans sized 27 are skinny jeans).

There's this one blog I came across where the women post their picture, their screen name, and then, along the bottom of thier posting, in italicized letters, their due dates, like, "ScreenKitty is due on September 10!" Or, if they haven't managed to get pregnant yet: "Boodles has been TTC for two-and-a-half years." By the way, it may just be a coincidence, but a great many pregnancy blog contributers have feline-sounding screen names.

Which leads me to the acronym thing. Who knew? Did you know? I had no idea. These blogs and listserves and Web sites are filled to the brim with these acronyms. Nowhere is there a key which explains their elusive meanings.

But I have to say that satisfaction I have derived from decifering these little Rosetta Stones is exquisite. Here are the few I managed to disentangle:

TTC= Trying To Conceive
DTD= Did The Deed

OK. So I only figured out two. But I am planning to devote a large portion of the remainder of the evening to Googling more acronyms in the hopes that I'll garner knowledge of this underground society's mysterious language.

Back to the blog and the crazies. One poor woman, MrsPeepers22, started things off asking if it was OK to drink alcohol and take Clomid. Then the deluge began.

SnookyPants102: Well, I wouldn't take a single drink, Clomid or no Clomid, if I was TTC! (Her profile features the italicized "Due in 10 weeks-- it's a girl!")

Then, another woman got into the mix:

PurryFurry1: I agree with SnookyPants102. Why take that risk? I sure didn't take a single sip while I was TTC

Poor MrsPeepers22. Now she's branded as a selfish drunk.

MrsPeepers22: I only asked if it was safe to combine Clomid and alcohol, since I'll be going to my best friend's wedding. I didn't ask for your opinion!

SnookyPants102: Then why did you even ask? (Incidentally, there is a direct correlation between the amount of pontificating and the number of weeks pregnant of said respondents)

Then, it escalates. I can practically hear MrsPeepers22 shrieking when she tries to salvage her reputation:

MrsPeepers22: I didn't ask for your opinion! I just wanted to know if I could combine the Clomid with an alcoholic beverage with no adverse side effects! And, incidentally, I won't be ovulating during this time, so I think it's ok! Furthermoe, I've been TTC for two years now, and if I didn't take a drink in that entire time while ovulating and I'm still not pregnant, why put my life on hold if it may not even happen?

Yeah! MrsPeepers22 kicked Snookypants102 and PurryFurry1 to the curb!

I read on for a bit more -- someone may have implied that MrsPeepers22 should pray more since SHE had been blessed (I HATE that phrase) with a bouncing baby girl after trying for many years, blah blah blah.

I closed the page. But I'll probably go back sometime, just to see if MrsPeepers22 ever changes her italicized status to "Due in...!"

I hope she drank at that wedding and DTD and got pregnant that very weekend. That'll show PurryFurry and SnookyPants.

Day One: Sweaty Bachelor Nights Ahead

Day One of Clomid. I took Clomid, well, actually, it's generic clone, clomiphene citrate, around 9 p.m. My friend, O., suggested I take it before bed due to the hot flashes I should be expecting. So I dutifully waited until 9 p.m. and drank it down with a glass of water. Immediately afterward, I walked into the office where my husband was on the computer, and announced, "let the games begin." We high-fived.

Wonder if I should keep a change of clothes and a cooler of cold drinks on my side of the bed for the impending sweat.

It's been one hour since I took the pill. I swear, I can feel my eggs lining up at the door of my fallopian tubes, ready to burst forth.

I stay up until 1 a.m., watching The Bachelor and Law and Order and I blame the Clomid for my lack of sleepiness. But in truth, I have no idea if that's a side effect or not. I decide that it is and I will undoubtedly sleep less and less with every passing day until I ovulate, and then I will be too exhausted to have the sex.