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Monday, October 18, 2010

Truisms: Standing, Sober, but Not Hungry

A Few Truisms

1. It absolutely sucks eggs that you can't drink.  No two ways about it.  I know that popular thought, current research, and the French consider it OK to drink a small-to-moderate amount of alcohol while pregnant, but the act of having to moderate at all makes drinking wholly unsatisfying to me.  Every small sip I take is a reminder that my little allotment is near its end.  And this makes me want it all the more.  When my husband and I walk past the bars and pubs in our neighborhood, I sometimes stop at the doorways to leer at the bottles behind the bar, while I plot my future drinking lineup.  I can't decide if my first postpartum drink will be a pina colada, a margarita, a whiskey sour, a gin and tonic, a martini, or a jug of sangria.

2. If you are on a crowded subway train/bus, the only person who will offer you a seat is not the dapper gentleman in a three-piece suit, but rather, the tired-looking woman on her way home from a job where she's been on her feet all day.  That guy thinks that reading the Wall Street Journal and trading cow patty futures entitles him to extra time on his ass.  Meanwhile, you're busy populating the earth with new life so that humanity doesn't fade away into the ether.  But you have to stand in a hot, crowded subway train while doing this.

3. The bad news: your stomach is enormous.  The good news: your ass now looks small by comparison.

4. The urgency to urinate is inversely proportional to the amount of pee that actually leaves your body.  I feel like a 70-year-old man with an enlarged prostate.

5. So far, the best, and only, perk of being pregnant is not having to suck my stomach in at the beach.

Last weekend, I was chomping on fried chicken legs and throwing them over my shoulder, sucking down lemonades, and gobbling chocolate chip cookies, all while sporting a tiny black bikini, legs akimbo, stomach hanging down over my beach chair.  All without the slightest worry that I might have to inhibit my intake of oxygen in order to appear smaller than I really am.

It was absolute freedom in a bikini, for the first time in decades.

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1st millennium B.C., Near Eastern fertility goddess